"I Give Unto Men Weaknesses...."

I don't consider myself a man-hater. I believe that there are good and bad people in either sex, but it seems to me as I follow the news that there is more evil perpetrated against women than men. In our liberated world one would think that would no longer be the case. Unfortunately, in spite of the fact that women are now considered intellectually equal with men, as a general rule they can never be physically equal. As I read about Elizabeth Smart, the women of the Congo, and young girls being cornered in public restrooms, I cannot help but think--Why? How do I accept and rationalize a patriarchal order when men can be such bullies. How do I believe that God loves and cherishes His daughters when He places us as a "weakness" before His sons to test their restraint? However true it may be that this life is but a moment in eternity, that moment is filled with such powerlessness, shame, fear, pain, betrayal and loss for so many women. Those that die at the hands of their abusers are the lucky ones; those that must live with the repercussions of what was done to them suffer so much. Statistics in the US say that one third of women will be sexually molested before the age of 18. One third! Elsewhere statistics are even higher. No violent act against the male of the species has such encompassing statistics. I marvel at the women who survive this kind of violence and who lead good lives afterwards. I marvel at their strength, courage and compassion, but I wonder if in spite of their brave words they still feel inside as I do--bereft, hollow and unsure. Elizabeth Smart, who in her court testimony told calmly and concisely of multiple rapes every day for nearly a year, is now going on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. How does she do this? My trial wasn't nearly so prolonged or drastic as hers, but my testimony falters. I seem to have lost my faith in God and His love for me and she goes to declare it to the world. How did she hang on to that through those pain-filled months? How did she over-come the shame and degradation? Or has she? Is this mission just a cover, a way to convince herself that she has overcome? It doesn't seem so, and I am left wondering why I am so weak. Why can't I let go of the pain? Why am I still a victim? I still rage at the unfairness of it; at the powerlessness I felt and still feel. It doesn't seem to matter if I conquer my feelings because the truth of the matter is is that I am still vulnerable to an attack by a man and always will be. Since ancient days men have used and abused women, no matter how "civilized" our society thinks it is, this is a brutality that has remained constant. The mantras of the "nobility of motherhood" and the "sanctity of womanhood" seem hollow to me when it feels as though God placed women here to survive or thrive at the whim of men. The lucky women get good men, and the unlucky...well, it's obvious. It's often said in the church that there will be more righteous women than men, like that's supposed to make us feel better about things?! To me that means that I have to share my husband in the next life. Since there will be so few worthy men, they get to divide us(the women)up and have their pick, like we're the reward for their being good guys. What's with that? I already feel like my husband doesn't have enough time for me and I struggle to believe he really loves me. What reward do we as women get for our pain and suffering? What recompense is there for "overcoming" the trial of man? Is the knowledge that we are really loved by men enough? Is the knowledge that men will be punished for their crimes enough? Is the knowledge that I'm really not "second-rate" enough if it's just in my own mind and not a reality? I don't know. I'm angry, but what can I vent my anger on--God? The Cosmos? It's useless anger that doesn't change anything, but I can't seem to let it go either.