Truth seems to be such an elusive element, when ironically, by its very nature it compels us to seek it. I have been seeking Truth my entire life and yet I haven't found it, or perhaps I have and just haven't recognized it for what it is. In the words of Soren Kierkegaard, "There are two ways to be fooled: One is to believe what isn't so; the other is to refuse to believe what is so." Perhaps Truth isn't really absolute, at least to mortal men, perhaps only God can really know Truth because Truth is infinite, and man has only a finite capacity to understand. To us, truth is perception, and each perceives in his own way. Only God has a complete overview and can therefore understand things in their entirety. What I understand as truth, however, demands that I deny it, or at the least beg divinity to countermand it because it places me beyond the power of redemption. This is the Truth I seek, to know if I have, in the words of Kierkegaard, been "fooled". Do I believe what isn't so, or am I simply refusing to believe what is? Is the reality that I live in real? Are the doubts and self-recriminations warranted, or have I been deceived? Are my struggles really the result of unhealed sexual abuse, or are they really because I am what I believe I am? A counselor once told me that I "over-think" things, and that is probably true, but I am a thinker (aren't I?) so what else would I do? Yet for all the ruminations and study, I have still to resolve the dilema of Truth in any meaningful way. I know the words, I have read the knowledge accumulated by countless phsychologists and others learned in the ways of human behavior. I can look at the behaviors they cite as the result of sexual abuse and find that the stereotype fits me to a "T", but only in a coldly analytical way that leaves my heart feeling empty and bereft. Knowledge alone is not Truth, if that were so, I could know unequivically that these "professionals" are right and could accept their findings. Unfortunately my spritual and emotional feelings contradict that "knowledge" with a lot of "but..."s or "what about...?"s and I am left floundering yet again. My thoughts get tangled in the complex web that is my reasoning and I am left pleading with God for Truth--but He remains silent, and I am left wondering if it's because He will not speak to such an unworthy soul as myself, or if I, in my misguided shame have simply shut Him out. Regardless, the result is the same, and I know not how to remedy either situation.
